Author: Jeff Anderson
Virtually nobody starts a marriage believing they are going to be divorced. But things happen and people change and sometimes, people find themselves at the crossroads of divorce, not knowing whether to end the marriage or try to save it. For those who want to save the marriage, many – maybe most – don’t know how.
I started a marriage with all of the right ideals and all the best intentions. So now that there has been so much damage, now that I no longer seem to have much in common with my spouse, now that the distance between us is so great, how do I save a save my marriage.
There is no easy answer to this, but there are some things to consider. Before marriage, most people do not consider their value system as it relates to the values of their fiance’. It is important and indeed vital that both sets of values be at least similar, if not the same. It is the basis of a strong union. Integrity, honesty, truth, faith in a higher power, monogamy, eating healthy, exercise, communion with nature, reading, learning, personal growth, saving or investing, friends, family – they’re all part of a value system and the list is endless. If we have found someone who has a similar system of values, we increase our chances of avoiding divorce.
With that system of values in place, it is important to recognize that we are not static creatures. We change. Our ideas and sometimes even our values change. We hear that having children changes lives and it is true. Many people’s ideas of values change dramatically after they have children.
If change is inevitable, then the goal is to change in a similar direction as our spouse – to keep those values aligned with our partner. So how do we stay on track with our spouse? In short, it’s with communication. Talking quietly, openly, and honestly, almost every day is a habit. At first, it might seem like work, but after it’s done routinely, it becomes the norm.
For those who do not want to get a divorce, you may have found yourself in a place where you do not share the same values as your spouse or, perhaps, you don’t know in what ways your spouse has changed over the years. Start by going backward. Start by communicating – talking – with your partner to learn who they are. Share yourself and find out if your values and those of your mate are in alignment and, if not, whether you can work together to find common ground.